A muffler elsewhere

It's not easy to be in Delhi in that bitter cold, and to travel is another torture. I was waiting for the train at the metro station early in the morning, so that I could reach office on time.
My eyes fell upon on an empty seat as soon as I entered the train. Like a true mumbaikar, I leapt to it, parking myself there and freezing my derriere in turn but there was a pleasure, undefined, of having a seat. You have to live in Mumbai to understand that pleasure. It didn't last long as a cough caught my attention.
A certain yugpurush was sitting beside me. I was aghast. Well, I am a common man and I can not afford the donations that these guys ask for these days. I was afraid that I won't be able to cough up (pun intended) as per his expectations and will be termed as a 'bhakt' instantly. I looked to the other side.

"Hello ji" I heard, buried within the cough. I looked at him wishing that he may be talking to someone else, but no.
"Do you want to click a selfie with me?" He asked politely.
"No, thank you. I am fine" I said calculating the sum of money I had in my wallet.
He opened his bag and brought a teapot out.
"Perhaps a cup of tea then? Its very cold" He signaled towards the window.
I smiled and moved my head from left to right so that there would be no confusion. I couldn't afford that tea.
"Would you like something else?" He inquired slightly concerned this time. I could not resist.
"Why did you resign just  after 49 days and leave the people of Delhi mid-way?" It came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I was amazed at myself. I had never been this daring all my life. A common man can not be daring. It's his fate and he lives and dies with it.
A fit of cough ensued. I offered him his tea, which he refused waving his hand. Perhaps he too could not afford a tea with himself. or perhaps he could not afford it before elections in Delhi just as he could not afford the auto-rikshaws before the trust vote last time and could afford it after winning that.
"Can you please tell me?" I asked once he stopped coughing. "People are laughing at you for that cowardly act."
"This is all propaganda." He replied. "Dhoni left the series mid-way and is treated like a hero and when I do it, they treat me like an idiot."
"May be they finally have identified you" I thought but couldn't say it out loud.

"I agree, but Dhoni wanted to concentrate on ODIs and the world cup." I repeated the flimsy lines that BCCI had given us poor fans who could not fathom the reason behind that decision as well.
" And I wanted to concentrate on the general elections and the post of the Prime Minister. Nobody appreciates that." He sounded hurt.
"But if you concentrated on that, why did your party win only 4 seats and you lost yourself?" I continued.
The cough went on for a little longer this time.
"Tell me, why only four?" I wasn't the one to leave it.
He looked out of the window and kept it like that for some time. I understood. I am an understanding person.
"Why did you go on a dharna when you yourself were in the government? I changed the topic.
"You don't understand" He shattered my confidence of being an understanding person. "You want Sachin to play the straight drive and Dhoni to play his helicopter shot, right?" He asked.
"Yes"
"Why?"
I was silent.
"Because they are good at it." He answered the question himself, "We were good at dharnas, what else could we do? It was what people wanted."
"If people wanted you so much, why did you win only four seats?" I was back at it.

This time the cough did not stop till the train stopped at the next station and yugpurush rushed out with his muffler and the teapot. I continued my journey still unanswered, why only four?

(If you find the yugpurush, please offer a cough syrup. Sadly, this journey never took place)

A Flight Elsewhere.

I'm not psychic and my mental powers are normal, weaker than normal possibly. So when I was thinking of the phrase cattle-class while sitting in that winged AC bus named "Low fare flight" at Delhi airport, I had no idea what my thoughts could do. When my co-passenger took his  seat besides me, for the first time I doubted my psychic abilities. A famous Tharoor glanced at me having a quizzical look. I assured him that though I might look like one, I'm not from the cattle family.
I had so many questions and I couldn't stop myself. A lot many things has happened recently and surprisingly Tharoor, supposedly the most vocal of the congress members has been missing.

"Where have you been?", I asked him.
"I was in Switzerland" He whispered, wary of the off chance that he might get overheard.
"I understand, it has been too hot in India this summer."
"That too, that too", he said easing off in his seat seeming relaxed.
"What do you mean by that too? What else were you doing there?" I suspected something noxious.

He fidgeted in his seat, "Well, I was on inspection of the banks over there."

"Wow!" I exclaimed,"So finally our government is doing something to bring back that black money." I was delighted of being proven wrong about our government.

"Why do you always have to jump to the wrong conclusion? Why are you always so optimistic? Don't you have any sense of logic? What have we done to give you even a notion of something like that?" He was furious. I felt guilty and ashamed.
"Then why were you there?" I croaked, afraid of a backlash again.

"Well I was there to make sure that nobody gets access to these bank accounts to secure our party funds."

"Oh! That is why you are adamant about  not releasing the account holders' names?" I blurted.

He glared at me. "Are you an idiot?" He spat,"Why do you have to ask obvious question? You are so dumb." He declared.

I sunk in my seat. Not that I haven't been called dumb before. That is a common belief actually. But I didn't want to be dragged, detained and deported later over a spat with a ruling party member.

"I am sorry." I offered my apology. "So, why are you going to Mumbai now?"
"I have been asked to meet the 'Delhi Belly' team." He said.
"So another free screening you are after?" I thought, refraining myself from uttering the obvious again and facing the wrath of someone as we all have seen what happened to a certain Modi who locked horns with this same man. Forgive me for wanting to live here only

He seemed to be on his favourite topic though, "Some people are calling us names these days. I'm going to learn from the Delhi Belly team to use profanity and curses without being blamed for the same against those people."

"Now that the country has accepted profanity as hit" He continued, "we are thinking of using the same to come back to good books of the people." He smiled.

"Bhag bhag DK Bose DK Bose DK....." I repeated much to my amusement to see his grin getting bigger. And then I realised that he didn't understand that I wasn't singing but telling him......... on his face.

(I wish this could be true)

A note elsewhere

I am not a fan of Delhi and my likeness towards politics can be associated only at a gun-point. So it was bizarre that I was jogging through the centre of Indian politics, Race Course Road, when I stumbled upon something even more rare if possible. Our Prime minister sitting alone in his lawn, looking forlorn. (well, forlorn is his forever look it seems, I was talking about his sitting alone.)
           A feeling cropped up and I thought of having a tête-à-tête with him. But even before I could enter the gate, I was stopped by a not-so-gentleman looking gentleman. I passed a note to him. you want to meet a politician, that is your entry ticket these days. Manmohan has recently started this trend and I intended to take full advantage of it. The gentleman came back and though his looks did not approve my appearance,  ( I can not blame him. Only my mother approves that in the whole world ans then also she is kinda bound by the mother-son law, isn't it? ), he nodded me in.
         Manmohan gestured me to sit in front of him. Although he did not look up and nodded to the ground, I sat in the chair, believing that the gesture must be a habit now after all these years with Sonia.
         He looked at me.
         "Sathya Sai baba is dead." He said meakly.
         I understood his concern and told him not to be sad as just like his cabinet, death is also out of his control.
        "I am not sad," He contradicted, "I am confused."
        I was taken aback. "Why are you confused?" I blurted.
        "Well, after his demise, three of my cabinet ministers have already come to me with project details of how to scam his Rs. 40000 crore trust?" He told me, "And I'm confused whom to award this project. they all are so experienced and capable of such things."
        "Who is not in your cabinet?" I thought but said instead," Why don't you leave this decision to Sonia ji as usual?"
        "Oh! She is already backed up on the truckload of previous scams and don't have time for new projects. I have never done this without her. I don't know." He seemed wilting under pressure.
        "And then I have my own assignment to look after." He continued, "I have to write notes for every country head and submit it to Sonia ji for review before Indian cricket team's next international tour."
        " I don't understand." I said, "What's with the combination of cricket and nation heads?"
         He began to explain. "See, that is the only time Soniya ji is not behind me and I can enjoy something else being batted around instead of me."
         Momentarily I drifted to a classroom full of students enjoying a free period. "Ah! How good was it."
         "Why don't you choose IPL for such talks?" I asked after bringing back myself to reality before I get termed as a nut-case for such a looney look.
         "Oh, I am afraid of IPL." His voice quivered as if he has seen something horrifying. 
         "Did you see what happened to Dada?" He quirked ," No team was willing to back him after his stint with that foreign coach. Even though he was one of the highest run getters last year."
        I made the comparison - Foreign coach, Indian leader - Most successful leader etc. etc. For a fleeting second I imagined Manmohan in a balcony, twirling his shirt above his bare body. How nice a scene that would be? I suppressed a smile.
        "Anyway, would you like some tea?" He offered. i nodded only to see him rise from his chair moving towards kitchen.
         "Hang on. Don't you have a maid or someone to bring that?" I was surprised.
         "No, after the Shiney Ahuja case, Sonia ji has forbidden us from keeping maids. It might not be good for our image to get into such dirt." He made it clear.
         "Yeah, right! As if there can be any more dirt on your image. We don't even know how many Hazaare Sahabs will your cabinet take to leave what is ours to us?" I said inside my head and rose to bid him goodbye.


(Again, the above conversation did not take place, but who knows? 


Oh! You do.)

A phone call elsewhere

You won't believe from whom I got a call last night? Our own beloved Dhoni (or is he?). Man, that person has some serious issues, really. Well, about the call... after exchanging the pleasantries (no, we don't do it the Gambhir-Kohli way as we respect each other's mother and sisters), I asked him the purpose of the call. Apparently he wanted to discuss about some of the calls he got last week. He couldn't talk to anybody else about such delicate matters as he wasn't sure how all his remarks get leaked to media. I reminded him "Its you only who said those things in the press conferences".
"Oh damn!" He exclaimed "You see, when I come to flow, I get so absorbed that I forget what to talk and what not? Plus I concentrate a lot on my presentation, so tend to forget these things."
"If you could only concentrate on your team plan and could put that flow in your batting" I almost blurted out and caught my tongue.
"Never mind" I said instead, "Tell me what happened?"
Dhoni Put his mouth on fourth gear, as opposed to his batting lately, "For past one week, I'm getting phone calls from all the politicians. All from the governing party, calling me secretly."
"Well, the team is doing good, you beat Oz out of the cup." I said, "Its natural that they want to congratulate you."
I was amazed to see that our politicians have so much heart and they think so much about our nations win. I was brought back to reality.
"Its not that." said Dhoni, " They are calling to thank me."
"I did not get you" I said.
"Well they are thanking me for diverting the people's attention from them and their scams to cricket." Dhoni explained.
"That reminds me" I asked, "what about that fixing allegations? Whats going on with that Pradeep Sharma? Are you going to lose against Pakistan in semis?"
"No way" rebuked Dhoni, "Kalmadi just called and said that he, the PM and the whole cabinet will give us 10% over and above whatever these betting kings are offering from their skimmed money from the scams, if we win, as that will make people forget about the scams and will make their life easier."
I thought, " And this is the government which could send only 25000 blankets to the tragedy ridden Japan."
"Hey, I'm putting the phone down. I think somebody is tapping my phone" came Dhoni's voice and the phone went dead abruptly, just like Dhoni's innings in each of the matches he has played in last one year.
(I think you are wise enough to understand that this conversation did not take place, but then again, who knows?)